“If I’ve forgiven you, who are you not to forgive yourself?”
One of my teachers said that last week. It was like a slap in the face.
She was speaking from God’s perspective, referencing a character in a novel we recently finished. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard some version of that statement before (but still need to be reminded). I and all believers have been forgiven by God. We’ve been made clean, new, presentable to Him. This seems simple enough to understand, and you’d think we’d be pretty eager to accept it. But it’s so easy to hang onto guilt. We beat ourselves up; we can’t let go. Holding onto guilt, I think, defies God’s forgiveness. We basically say to God, “Your forgiveness isn’t enough for me; I can’t accept it.” How can I say that to the Creator of everything? Who am I to decide what He can give?
The last few months have been pretty up and down and up again. Maybe you feel the same. I find myself thinking, “Yeah, this is awesome; I’m almost finished with school, I’ll look for a job when I’m done, I’ll be on my own pretty soon,” followed a few weeks later by, “Holy crap, I’m almost finished with school. I have to find a job; I’m going to be on my own pretty soon.” I go from feeling alright about my circumstances, to worrying that I’m not doing enough or haven’t done enough to prepare me for whatever the future brings, back to feeling alright.
It’s sort of like when you’re riding a roller coaster; you get to the top (after that painfully slow and slightly terrifying ascent), you see everything laid out before you and around you, and it’s great. But then the car that you’re strapped into and can’t escape starts making its way down. And down and down. And you start panicking a bit. Then (depending on the roller coaster you’re riding) you’re plunged into a dark and misty tunnel in which it’s impossible to see anything and where it’s so loud, you can’t even hear yourself panicking (and panic-level has increased substantially by this point). Pretty soon after flying through that dark and seemingly endless section of the track, though, you get to see the sun, and everything is great again.
Hurray for the roller coaster metaphor!
But what’s this have to do with forgiving ourselves? Hang on, I’m thinking about that.
Ok, here’s what I have:
I worry far too much about whether or not what I’ve done up to right now is good enough (for myself, for other people, for God especially). I go through those dark and misty tunnels pretty often. I forget to acknowledge the fact that I don’t have to worry; I can trust that God will always lead me, and if I screw up, it’ll be ok. All I have to do is be willing to get up – and then actually get up. Remember falling and scraping your knees when you were little? It’s a bit like that; you fall, and it hurts, yes, but you get up again because you want to keep on playing. You don’t get stuck on the fact that you fell; it happened, you acknowledged the pain, it’s done.
Sometimes it’s weird thinking about the freedom God’s forgiveness brings. It can be warped into an excuse to sin. But we’re not free to sin, no – We’re free to move on. Recognize the wrong, have the desire to improve, and move on.
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